So Frustrated

Twelve hours editing a mini session and one family session. It could be blamed on my ridiculously slow laptop. Or perhaps my horrendous decision making. Not even half the way through and I am exhausted. I feel like I haven't seen my son all day long an it makes me want to cry. I try and try and try again investing in actions and backdrops and props, book, lenses, equipment etcetera etcetera etcetera and still it is not enough. Again I'm struggling with pricing. I agonize over competing with the dirt cheap prices of other military wives. How do they do it? Have I simply burned myself out? Do they know a secret to editing or do they simply do not claim their earnings and hence are able to give away digital negatives for a really low price. My body swells with despair, wanting to compete with their prices but then feeling that it's not worth it, then feeling so inadequate to charge what I really want to earn. Do far I've made nothing. Photography is a mere glorified hobby for me. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of having to work at a fast food restaurant for minimum wage and not seeing my son for long hours and having to pay for a sitter. But is this any better? I sit at home staring dazed into a computer for hours and hours completely ignoring my son and leaving him to fend for himself until its a particular meal time. Gosh I'm pathetic. Wish I could just kick myself in the bottom and slap some sense into myself. I don't enjoy wallowing in self pity but I'm losing my grip here. I might just take hold of a pillow and scream onto it. I'm so upset with myself and the situation I put myself in. How did my mom do it with four kids all on her own depending on her and somehow managing to give is EVERYTHING! While I cannot get a single customer. It makes me question my abilities and then spiral into a pensive depressed state.
I keep trying to remind myself to surround myself with Positive energy and let God do his miracle with me but just like the little clay cup molds, the oven is hot and painful and it seems like it will never end. Please God hear me as I pray for you to do with me as you wish. If it is your will for me to be a successful Portrait Artist then let it be. If there are other words written in my book of life then so be it. It's only through you God that all things are possible and I know with human certainly that your Love and your Glory will shine my way.

Miss Natalie's 1st Christmas

Finals Week!

The week has come at last, its final exams! I feel so crazy, filled with anxiety and ready to rest but at the same time with fear for what is to come. In exactly one week I will be packing my bags to return back to Virginia with my beloved husband. Poor guy, I make him suffer so much, just like a little girl somethings I do not know how to express what I want. After everything, I still feel like coming to California  was time well spent. At the very least my self-esteem and confidence in myself has gone up significantly. It is now up to me to market myself and most importantly continue to learn the art of photography.


Ya llego la semana, it's finals week! Me siento como loca llena de ansias por descansar pero a la mismo tiempo con miedo de lo que vendra. En exactamente una semana estare empacando mis maletas para irme para atras a Virginia con mis querido esposito. Pobrecito, lo hago sufrir tanto, soy tal como una nina que aveces no sabe lo que quiere. Despues de todo siento que si valio la pena mucho lo que hice aqui en California. Por lo menos mi autoestima y la confianza en mi misma a subido bastante. Ahora es solo de saber como atener nuevos clientes y seguir aprendiendo el arte de la fotografia. 

Jesse's Take on Caspian

My Beautiful Sonshine! <3

So I am getting ready to order Holiday cards for the 2011 season. I'm so excited because I will be using my own photos of Caspian, this is my favorite one from his mini session where he is actually LOOKING AT ME! They were taken at the Orange County Heritage Museum across the street from where I used to live on Harvard St, Santa Ana. I was there as a child and when scouting out possible locations for photo sessions I found this one was perfect! Enjoy! 

Uhkel Jesse called this one Killer, "he is wearing a bow and arrow and has a gold grill teeth and blood coming out of his mouth" I thought it was cute lol 

B-Z B-Z B-Z

Its been so busy for the last couple of weeks. I've slept less and less sometimes dreading I wont get any sleep at all. I have fallen behind on alot of editing and HW has taken the backseat. its a miracle I still get passing grades with the amount of effort I've been able to put in things like my marketing final project, or the Media Arts projects or even Biology! So dreading the finals that are the come in a few weeks and have yet to get started on Yoga's HW. Today I am meeting with Jessica and Anthony to work on our marketing project, we are doing pretty well, almost ready to present but I've got bigger fish to fry.. That final project for my photoshop class is really kicking my butt, Dr.Brown wants the theme of "three" to be represented in the piece but I have no idea what to do. So my last resort is to go out and take pictures of just anything and everything, in fact I am going to do that now.

Jesse's Birthday Oct 25, 2011

Jesse turned 19! We woke him up with balloons, a cake and noise makers at 12AM. It was glorious.

I love my little brother!

Midterms are Over! Love my Mini- Monarch!

Hip Hip Horray! Midterms are over! I really only had one exam, Biology Honors and I think I did fairly well despite not reading 2 of the 3 chapters. I knew the concepts from the lectures and study notes. So what's new? Lets see Caspian is talking a whole lot more now, he is pronouncing his RRRrrs very very well, I especially like to hear him say "Mi Amorrrr" which is what he calls his Abuelita because she doesn't like being called a grandma. He helps me cook his lunches and dinners now, and knows not to touch the stove and hot pans because they are "OT" and it will "URT" :D I love my peanut butters.

Got to talk to Kevin today on Skype, I'm one lucky girl my husband is one good looking dude. And so is my son, I'll have to sweep girls off my porch when he turns 12. I got a few pics done for my albums that I want to put together for Caspian. I also uploaded a few more pics from my SD cards so they are free for this weekend's shoots. 

 These pictures were taken back in March 2011 when we were first here to take an 8 week class. Caspian and I went to my old highschool Mater Dei to pick up a transcript. They were closed but I had my camera with me so I decided to take this opportunity to do a mini shoot of my baby in his future high school.

I love this candid of my baby, no idea what that stain is on his pants its been so long ago but his face is just priceless <3

Caspian is indeed a Mini-Monarch. Here he is climbing all over our Grotto to the Virgin Mary statue and also petting our school mascot the Mater Dei Monarch.

All in all it was a good day. Tomorrow is Friday so yay! I hope to get caught up on a few things this weekend. Crossing my fingers :)

Driving Wrecklessly

Last night I had a dream that I was driving a car. In my dream I was driving really fast even though I was on the freeway i was driving frightenly fast endangering my and the lives of the people that were with me. I saw what was a head of me but a part of me did not care. There was a big hill unlike in real life but in my dream it was part of the high way, rather it was like a mountain, and at the very top was only the road, two lanes and no barriers on the sides. I swirved and swayed because of my speed but I did not care. I remember being really determined to get somewhere or to get out of wherever I was FAST! It felt like a dull anxiety. Anyway at the top of this big mountain hill road I swerved uncontrollably trying to bypass another vehicle and before I knew it I lost control of the car. It wasn't until then that I realized that there were other people in the car that I was hurting, one of them my son and my mom. So the car fell off the road, tumbling down it turned over and hit a building off the side of the moutain, to myself I thought we're going to be fine just hold on and cover your heads.. When continued to roll down and I lost consciousness.
Then i woke up and the first thing I wanted to do is find out if my baby and my mom were ok. In my dream I was walking around with fresh bruises and open wounds on my face and body. I was home and found my brother Jesse who said Caspian was fine and he just had helped him make the bed. I kept asking to see him but he averted the question. I asked if my mom was ok but he did not answer. In the back of my mind I also knew Kevin had been in the accident but I didn't ask for him. Then I realized that something was wrong and I was dead.

Human Goodness?

Questioning today if it is even worth trying to help save this race.. I've recently been ambushed by the hightened awareness of Child Abuse, Human trafficking and pornography. Just dont know where the human goodness is? Is it in those who live in the second or third world countries and are ignorant to their own conditions, those who know not what they can do to make their lives better. Or is it in those who live in first world countries that carelessly live their lives without a care or consideration about what goes on outside their own immediate social circle. I am so upset for thinking this way but is it even worth it? Or am I just a quitter!

No. I refuse to quit. At least not for the children, they are the future and to get to them I must first get to the mothers. The woman is the pillar of the home, the foundation, the do-all and the law of the home. What can I do to make a difference??? Ugh is it so frustrating, I want to help but I must first help myself. I continue with my dream to be a doctor. Reconsidering whether a pediatritian is a better choice than an OB/GYN.. At this point I dont know but my thought remains, I must find the human goodness that is left, and that is in the innocense of children.

Insanity

Caspian was driving me insane today. He pooped in his diaper and THEN told me that he needed to go. He broke a the lightbulb from his Mickey Mouse nightlight that his uncle Cris bought him yesterday. Then cried because I wouldn't let him touch the broken glass as I was trying to sweep it off so he would not cut his feet.  When my mom served him lunch he picks up his plate and spills all his food on the floor, I had to feed it to the dogs. Then he decides that he wants to sit on my lap and wouldn't eat his newly served plate of food. He started to reach for something and spilled all of my drink all over the table and floor. I mopped it up and sat back down to eat and he kept pointing at my food so I offered him some and he wouldn't eat it. I tried taking a bite and he grabbed my thumb and held it down twice as he grunted for me not to take a bite. I was so fed up by then I told my mom to eat my food and I was leaving for school. I walk out with my Biology book and keys in hand and then remembered I needed my pencils and my blouse. He saw me walk back in the house and slams the door. Then when I tried to get out to leave again he stood by the door so I wouldn't get out without him. My mom had to come and get him. I kissed him and left as the tears just swelled out of his eyes. INSANITY!!!!

Grandpa's Handmade Gift Video

Caspian is an artist, and I finally got to upload the pictures from this event! Its my first video in iPhoto and I have a list of things I could have done better but its good for having done it in fifteen minutes before class started. <3 Hope you enjoy re-living this Grandpa! Caspian's Handmade Gift, mommy loves handmade gifts so we thought grandpa would too :D

Art 195 and 162

I have an amazing teacher! Dr. Sharon Brown is an Apple Distinguised Educator, who else to teach me the wonderful world of photoshop and iMacs? I am now conviced I need to purchase my very own Mac computer, no more ifs or buts about it! Here's me having a little fun with the iBooth.

I love love love her classes, she is an amazing teacher! But I can't wait to go home and hug my little man. He went to the pool today with his uncle Cris and auntie Jenny and second cousin Dominic. He's having a good time at least I know. I miss my husband too but I try not to think about him because the more I do I feel sad and this is important to me so I am focusing on the prize! :D I am an amazing photographer, now I will be an amazing editor!

Caspian's 2 year Check up!

30 Pounds 35.5 inches tall! and a head circumference of 50.5 centimeters round!

Can you see my pride bursting out of my chest? Well I can certainly feel it. My baby boy is no longer a baby, he has now been moved from having "well-baby check ups" to "Physicals" oh wow! I have a blooming human in my hands. How I love my tiny love <3 <3 <3

He is in the 75th percentile for growth, not bad. He's got about 3 feet 4.5 inches to catch up to his daddy lol

2Day(s)

 Just a few more days. Caspian and I spent our day blowing bubbles from his chocolate ice cream cone bubble soap and wand his Grandma Mary gave him. It was chocolate scented so he thought it would be a good idea to drink the soap and then he cried for milk from the sour taste, silly man! We went out for a walk since it was such a beautiful day outside and then came home to "clean" lol yeah right.. We blew more bubbles, read a few books and painted <3

Daddy came home and we went to see the Parkridge Townhome Apts near the Dehaven's house. I really like this place but Kevin likes Sky Terrace because they are right outside the gate. Each have their pros and cons, I am hoping to get into Parkridge if not there is always Sky Terrace. Plus Parkridge has a library right next door and is in a lot nicer area. We'll see what happens.

Its past 2 AM now and I have been procrastinating from editing the pictures from the Maternity shoot I did. I need to work on my discipline, it shouldn't take me longer than a few hours to work on a single session. I've always been so carefree and discipline just wasn't ever in my vocabulary until now. Caspian has been eating nothing but cheese and cracker and milk and juice. He refuses to eat vegetables or fruits and now stopped eating meats. I am starting to worry but I will continue to be the disciplinary and only provide healthy meals for him and provide a treat or "Kee" short for cookie when he actually eats his food. 

What gives!

Day started off so great! Family from mexico added me on FB that I have never even heard of before, a friend from CA called me whom I haven't spoken to in a year and I had money transferred money into my account today that I didn't even know of. I paid my financial hold for school and was able to remove the hold so I can register for classes now. And I got my Unit 2 and 3 reviews emailed to me from NYIP.

But somewhere in the day it turned around. Now i'm so frustrated with Caspian, I can't do skwat with a 30 pound wiggling toddler holding my arms down! Kevin was waiting outside the Sky Terrace Apts office doing nothing while we waited for him at Fatima's house. Caspian still wont eat anything past cheese and crackers, I am starting to worry.

Note: Yesterday I taught Caspian how to tell thunder to "Go Away Thunder!" and "Shh, be quiet thunder!" and it worked!

Man-Made Beach in Naperville, IL

We started off our day prepping for today's adventure. Uncle Al and Auntie Bridget were going to take us out to a man made beach in downtown Naperville, IL. We packed some sandwiches, water, powerades, and a strawberry-banana smoothie for the Chango. We got to the park around noon and the adventure began. 

:-) 

Uncle Al and Daddy broke the ice between the water and Caspian as they walked slowly into the water. 

 Auntie Bridget took over and eased Caspian into the pool/beach

 

Caspian's squinty eyes

She's such a proud Auntie, Caspian wasn't too happy about pictures but as a Mommy I knew that even this expression would be one I'll look back at in ten years and say "AWWW he's so cute"

I love this Guy! He finally got me to wear my bathing suit in public. 

My handsome husband came to get me into the water and got me to wear my TWO PIECE!! oh gosh! We shared a turkey and cheese on potato bread sandwich. Then everyone took a break and we had a nice lunch on the grass.

He was so focused on the people he didn't even look at his sandwich while he ate.

Maxing, Relaxing, acting all cool! 

Drinking his Smoothie

Caspian insisted on dumping the sand into the water, we thought it was cute :P

Building our first Sandcastle

Finally we took him over to the sand to play. 

A moat for our castle

Almost done with our moat

Our Castle is beautiful! Lol

 Grandma Mary and Ampa did not make it to the beach because they were taking way too long. But they made it to the BBQ afterwards. We had spicy brats, corn on the cob and hot dogs, yum! Grandma Mary took Caspian out on a nice stroll before dinner..

Grandma Mary taking Caspian out for a walk 

Ampa <3

Playing Hide and Seek with Gus

Gus says "meow"

Watching TV

Our family

Auntie Bridget or "Nani"

We all had such a great day at the Beach in Naperville today!! The BBQ was delicious too.. Then the universe shifted..

Lunch with Nana MaryLou Markert

The best part about visiting family is the honest and unconditional love. No matter how long or how short the time you've spent together you are Family and Family means Love. 

Friday we spent the day with Grandma Mary and Grandpa at the pool in their Willowbrook Condo :D

 We started out Saturday by calling up Nana MaryLou and inviting her to Lunch. Auntie Bridget, Kevin, Caspian and I all went together to pick her up and had a nice lunch at IHOP in Harlem, IL. 

 

He loves his "Nana"

I love spending time with this lovely lady.
She told us about things she had lived through, historic
moments, life experiences, 91 years old and she's still
a Sharp Woman <3 <3 <3

Nana and I :D

She helped him pick his Potato Soup

Caspian warmed up to her right away, he called her "Nana" and gave her his loves XOXO

Nana really wanted to share some Ice Cream for her Great Grandson 

Caspian was such a good helper!

Caspian helping Great Grandma Mary Lou push her walker out of IHOP. 

Going to Nana's home. Caspian was a hit, he waved "hi" to all of Nana's friends as she showed him off to all her friends. Apparently they all agreed he will be a "heartbreaker" when he grows up :D Lol Mommy is not too happy about that  hehe 

That's all her GRANDCHILDREN~20Plus!~ And GreatGrandchildren, all 10 of them! The collage was a gift from Auntie Bridget for Nana's 91st Birthday surprise party! Which we sadly couldn't come to because we were in Virginia. But we love her so so much from far way. 

Caspian found Mommy and Daddy in the collage right away! yay

What a proud son he is of his mama. Grandma Mary's (St.Paul High School and JFK Highschool) Senior year portrait Class of 1970. Grandma Mary is so beautiful!!! And checkout her perfect bob :D So cool!!! 

 Bittersweet goodbyes. Or "See you laters" Caspian gave Nana a big Smooch and Nana held him tight in her arms.

Such a lovely time spend with our lovely Nana. We love her so so much and can't wait to see her again soon later this week while we are in Chicago. 

On our way home we drove by the Chicago Fire Soccer team stadium :D

 We also drove by Grandpa or "Ampa"'s job and Daddy's and Auntie Bridget's old High School, St.Joseph Catholic High School in Westchester, IL.

And last but not least, Daddy showed us where he spend a year studying at the College of DuPage in Glen Ellens, IL. Auntie Bridget is currently attending Junior College there. Daddy then went on to attend a year at Benedictan University in Lyle, IL. 

For dinner we went to the White Castle in Aurora, IL. Caspian ate his entire cheeseburger and got some M&Ms for being such a good boy :D